a small note in the midst of a storm

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anxiety
pulls at the 
thread that 
holds you 
together you 
feel it unraveling
this painful 
separation 
from yourself 
this frightening
freedom of 
overwhelming thought
letting the light in where
it hasn't been before
blinding and burning it's 
awakening senses
that are better kept
sleeping it's 
grotesque in its
reality not hiding 
like the others just
baring boney 
teeth there's
nothing to hide
when
anxiety 
opens up the autopsy 
of what's really
inside

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

sometimes i sit and daydream about what it would be like to live a quiet life. to have a quiet mind, a heart that sleeps soundly at night. i am truly envious of those who are able to walk through life without soaking up the sorrow of it all. i absorb all around me. it's beauty and it's suffering and it's hard to find balance. 

depression isn't just feeling 'sad'. it's not always related to circumstances, it's not an equation to solve. someone once asked me if i knew what the root of my depression is. i told them i wish there was one. because if there were roots, i could pull them out of the ground and be free. instead it's a component of the soil, a natural element that i'm not sure i'll ever have the tools to remove. 

recognizing this is not a white flag of defeat. no, i'm shaking hands with it and agreeing to work with it. i'm agreeing to row against the rushing current because there are calm waters ahead. 

some days i'm fighting. some days i'm soaking in the sun. others i let the rain come down on me and i weep with the sky. it's a cycle just like everything is a cycle. we rotate together. 

what calms me is that i'm not in this alone. what calms me is that there are people who understand. what i'll never know is why some people don't try to understand. i'm jealous of the people who don't have to. 

in the meantime i look for speckled sunlight, rays floating through leafy branches, the rustling of life when the wind comes. i know that the earth suffers with me. we're aware of the weight and fragility of existence. 

as a feather on a bird's wing, we're here for a brief moment but we are involved in the movement. sometimes i sit and daydream about what it would be like to live a quiet life. i'll find my peace in soaring wings. 


>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>


if you've followed my blog for some time you'll know that writing is a catharsis for me during the bad days. i'm not always able to end on a hopeful note, but i always try. 

things are busy as ever with secret midnight press (launched summer boxes today !!) and i have big plans and goals for my personal writing. after finishing up my eight week self care series, i decided that i'm going to take some time to work on my new book, soak up the summer months. i will continue posting as often as i'm inspired to (which may very well be once a week), but i won't be on a set schedule.

please subscribe so that when i do post, you'll see it in your email and we can keep doing this thing together.

knowing you're out there, reading this, feeling it all with me, brings more comfort than you know.

i'm so thankful for this safe place, and have so many plans for us to come.

xo,

Ashley


Listening to:

(^this video is so wonderful)

 

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