i started this blog around six months ago - during summer. over these months i've talked quite a bit about my experiences & struggles with mental illness. the struggles always seem to multiply during the winter months. i live in the midwest & winters are often quite harsh, if not at the very least perpetually grey.
it always calms me to put these thoughts, fears, feelings into words. i wrote most days, maybe a small poem or maybe a journal entry or even an occasional rant. here are a few things i've written during the grey days.
random thoughts
part I.
here's the thing.
when we're born we're barely solid matter. we ooze into this life, fragments of another, blind and blank and already exhausted from being.
we come out screaming.
this is no coincidence.
safety doesn't exist. we're never not raw, we're never not just a composite of many corpses that left traces of a complex being, physically or otherwise, so that we can exist in the inexplicable manner that we find ourselves in at this very second.
no man is an island.
suffering starts at day one. this is unique to no one. this is the pendulum of life, a precise weight necessary to keep swinging, on and on with no end in sight.
pain & joy sway in a well-timed dance. they twirl around the room leaving you dizzy & disoriented. which one is leading? can one exist without the other?
maybe we can learn the dance. we breathe in and we lunge and curl and stretch and with the perfect movement we can catch it. we can catch the swirling sparkle that battles the darkness. we can learn the language of joy. maybe.
here's the thing.
as living, breathing souls, we're all connected. and what ties us together is suffering. this starts at birth.
we come out screaming.
this is no coincidence.
part II.
"when winter wraps itself too tightly around / a dream from which i will wake"
i feel like i'm crawling in an endless dark. i'm on black gravel and my bleeding palms pull me forward into the neon night. the air is heavy, there is nothing before me so i could curl up in the cracked earth, or i could skid my skin across these crude rocks and i'm not sure i will survive and i'm not sure i want to.
part III.
(yes, it hurts. and yes, it will heal. like hard earth thaws, the hollow parts of you will soften and fill and overflow life. just hold on for tomorrow. take my hand)
xo,
Ashley
Listening to:
So much I want to say. So it is difficult to translate. I'll try.
ReplyDeleteIt's ... a wonderful sense of language. when sick, rough, wounded, black, tortured turns into a dance of words, feelings somersault, the severity of despair, light of hope.
I am a little ... you know, I almost do not know you, but your words..., but I think you are too lovely to feel so.
And you stretch the arm. It's unbelievable, really.
Thank, Ashley
The development of artificial intelligence (AI) has propelled more programming architects, information scientists, and different experts to investigate the plausibility of a vocation in machine learning. Notwithstanding, a few newcomers will in general spotlight a lot on hypothesis and insufficient on commonsense application. machine learning projects for final year In case you will succeed, you have to begin building machine learning projects in the near future.
DeleteProjects assist you with improving your applied ML skills rapidly while allowing you to investigate an intriguing point. Furthermore, you can include projects into your portfolio, making it simpler to get a vocation, discover cool profession openings, and Final Year Project Centers in Chennai even arrange a more significant compensation.
Data analytics is the study of dissecting crude data so as to make decisions about that data. Data analytics advances and procedures are generally utilized in business ventures to empower associations to settle on progressively Python Training in Chennai educated business choices. In the present worldwide commercial center, it isn't sufficient to assemble data and do the math; you should realize how to apply that data to genuine situations such that will affect conduct. In the program you will initially gain proficiency with the specialized skills, including R and Python dialects most usually utilized in data analytics programming and usage; Python Training in Chennai at that point center around the commonsense application, in view of genuine business issues in a scope of industry segments, for example, wellbeing, promoting and account.
The Nodejs Projects Angular Training covers a wide range of topics including Components, Angular Directives, Angular Services, Pipes, security fundamentals, Routing, and Angular programmability. The new Angular TRaining will lay the foundation you need to specialise in Single Page Application developer. Angular Training
I don't know what to say. Your words fill up my hollow heart. I have found hope here. Which is something I thought I would be barred from forever. <3
ReplyDeleteI never wanted to give up on life. I have , however wanted to retreat into myself....or a remote cave somewhere...and stay as far from people as possible. Away from feeling worthless. Away from feeling unloved or un wanted. I'm not a writing. My muse translates through paint. Mostly i paint peaceful landscapes. When I paint I'm wrestling with my demons. And when i am done i feel joy again. I'm glad you are brabe enough and strong enough to share your darkness. It makes your light brighter.
ReplyDeleteYour poetry is beautiful, the way that you write is so expressive and meaningful. I'm extremely glad that you choose to share this with us, and you are a true inspiration.
ReplyDelete"my hand" was one of the first poems of yours I ever read, it makes more and more sense every time I read it, I don't even know what to say about the sorrow, about the pain and the joy dance, I honestly don't know anymore. It's summer where I live, I always felt way better during summer but not this time, I've thought about it a lot, maybe my lower dose of sadness is higher now, idk but I do know we can live with it, I do know I want to stay and deal with it, learn from it, keep going, maybe that's what summer gives me, a little hope and a little strength.
ReplyDeleteI don't even know why am I telling you this, I don't know if it will affect you in any way, I guess it just feels alright to kinda chat about these topics with you.
hope the summer knocks your door soon.
When i first started reading your poem from Smoke Signals i realized that i had read it before on your tumblr and tears quickly followed after that. This is one of my favorites that you've ever written and every time i read it i find something new to take away from it. I'm having a bad night and i'm craving the burn, but i will hold onto your life raft instead. Love you Ashley.
ReplyDelete-yulissa
Once again, I have tears coming up to my eyes. It is so beautiful. Thank you for sharing.
ReplyDeleteI guess random thoughts are sometimes very good and you know what to do further.
ReplyDeleteRandom thoughts sometimes very useful. It is possible to find a solution to long-standing problems of random thoughts.
ReplyDeleteHi Ashley,
ReplyDeleteI will admitt, i resisted reading your blog or poems/book for i thought you were just riding coat tails (don't hurt me:) for someone who has dealt with many of the same issues as you and now has a 14 year old Girl following and falling in my muddy deap footprints, i feel quilt that maybe it was my geans that have haunted her. I have read this poem many times in the last couple weeks and forwarded it onto my geanpool and only someone who has struggled can write such a touching and true piece. You are incredibly talented-keep up helping others through your honesty.side note - I got to meet your Mom (and Dad ) in Louisville last TOP show of US, and one of my highlights was sharing with her not only how TOP has helped my teen but me also, along with you (and Jesse) she must have done something incredibly right to raise such beauty.-as a Mom i know that is the truest form of compliment. Peaceful mind to you.
This blog is so nice to me. I will continue to come here again and again. Visit my link as well. Good luck
ReplyDeletehttp://www.jualobataborsiherbal.com/ obat aborsi
http://www.jualobataborsiherbal.com/cara-menggugurkan-kandungan/ cara menggugurkan kandungan
http://obataborsi59.com/ obat aborsi
http://obataborsi59.com/cara-menggugurkan-kandungan-dengan-cepat-dan-aman/ cara menggugurkan kandungan
http://obattelatdatangbulan.info/ obat telat datang bulan
http://klinikobataborsi.com/ jual obat aborsi
http://jualobatpenggugurkandungan.net/ obat penggugur kandungan
http://tandatandakehamilan.net/ tanda tanda kehamilan
Use this article to increase your knowledge . cara menggugurkan kandungan
ReplyDeleteJual Obat Aborsi,
ReplyDeleteObat Aborsi,
Obat Penggugur Kandungan,
http://aborsi-tuntas.com/2017/09/28/jual-obat-aborsi-bekasi/
http://aborsi-tuntas.com/2017/09/28/jual-obat-aborsi-jakarta/
http://aborsi-tuntas.com/2017/09/28/jual-obat-aborsi-cytotec-di-bandung/
http://aborsi-tuntas.com/2017/10/06/obat-aborsi-di-jakarta/
http://aborsi-tuntas.com/2017/10/06/obat-aborsi-daerah-surabaya/
http://aborsi-tuntas.com/2017/10/06/obat-aborsi-malang-online/
http://aborsi-tuntas.com/2017/10/06/jual-obat-aborsi-bergaransi-di-serang
Obat Aborsi,
ReplyDeleteObat Penggugur kandungan
Jual Cytotec Obat Aborsi
Jual Obat Cytotec
Obat Cytotec Murah
Jual Cytotec Asli
Obat Aborsi
Obat Penggugur Kandungan
Obat Penggugur Janin
Cara MenggugurKan Kandungan Janin
Jual Obat Aborsi
Obat Aborsi
Obat Penggugur Kandungan
Jual Obat Cytotec
Jual Obat Aborsi Ampuh
Jual Obat Aborsi Asli Tuntas
Cara Menggugurkan Kandungan Janin
Obat Aborsi Asli Aman
Obat Aborsi Cytotec
Jual Obat Cytotec
Jual Cytotec Asli
Jual Cytotec
Klinik Obat Aborsi
hammer of thor
ReplyDeletehammer of thor asli
jual hammer of thor
hammer of thor murah
thor hammer
jual thor hammer
klg
klg pill
jual klg
klg asli
klg pill asli
titan gel
titan gel asli
jual titan gel
titan gel asli rusia
gel titan
obat pembesar penis
obat pembesar penis
obat pembesar penis
obat pembesar penis
obat pembesar penis
penirum
penirum asli
jual penirum
testo ultra
testo ultra asli
jual testo ultra
Obat Aborsi
ReplyDeleteObat Aborsi Batam
Obat Aborsi Di Magelang
Obat Aborsi Sleman
Obat Penggugur Kandungan
Jual Obat Aborsi Singapore
Jual Obat Aborsi Taiwan
Jual Obat Aborsi Malaysia
Obat Aborsi Semarang
Jual Obat Aborsi Obat Aborsi https://jualobat-aborsi.com Obat Penggugur Kandungan ,
ReplyDeleteObat Aborsi Jual Cytotec Asli https://jualpilcytotecasli.com Obat Aborsi Asli ,
Thank you for a great post.
ReplyDeleteclipping path
clipping path service
background removal
raster to vector
Really Awesome Blog Thanks for Sharing...
ReplyDeleteghost mannequin
clipping path service
background removal
deep etch
now present in your city
ReplyDelete1. manfaat kurma untuk persalinan
2. manfaat buah nanas
3. aktivitas penyebab keguguran
4. apakah usg berbahaya
5. penyebab telat haid
6. cara melancarkan haid
Hello ^^
ReplyDeleteThe season when the car winds are back.
Are you all working hard to prepare for your visit to Korea? Beware of colds and beware of corona
I came in to see your site and I liked a lot of useful and good content!
I also run a site, so will you come and see it?
I think I would be very grateful for your feedback. Bye^^
My site address: 토토사이트
คาสิโนออนไลน์
ReplyDeleteI want to thank Emu Temple for the accurate readings he gave me and for also helping me bring back my lover.. If you are here and you are having any relationship problem please Contact Emu Temple on Via Email: emutemple@gmail.com OR Via WhatsApp +2347012841542 and result is 100% guarantee and He do lot more as:*Love Spells*Lost Love Spells*Divorce Spells*Stop Divorce Spell*Marriage Spells*Binding Spells*Breakup Spells*You want to be promoted in your office*Want to satisfy your lover*Death Spell*Gay/Lesbian Love Spell*Court case Spell*Politics Spell*Good-luck Spell*Bad Luck Remover Spell*Do as i say Spell*General cleansing Spell*Herbal remedy for all kind of disease
ReplyDelete*Lottery Spell*Pregnancy Spell*Peins enlargement
I want to thank Emu Temple for the accurate readings he gave me and for also helping me bring back my lover.. If you are here and you are having any relationship problem please Contact Emu Temple on Via Email: emutemple@gmail.com OR Via WhatsApp +2347012841542 and result is 100% guarantee and He do lot more as:*Love Spells*Lost Love Spells*Divorce Spells*Stop Divorce Spell*Marriage Spells*Binding Spells*Breakup Spells*You want to be promoted in your office*Want to satisfy your lover*Death Spell*Gay/Lesbian Love Spell*Court case Spell*Politics Spell*Good-luck Spell*Bad Luck Remover Spell*Do as i say Spell*General cleansing Spell*Herbal remedy for all kind of disease
*Lottery Spell*Pregnancy Spell*Peins enlargement
This is exciting, nevertheless it is vital for you to visit this specific url: 먹튀검증
ReplyDeleteYou have done a great job on this article. It’s very readable and highly intelligent. You have even managed to make it understandable and easy to read. You have some real writing talent. Thank you. 먹튀검증사이트
ReplyDeleteThese you will then see the most important thing, the application provides you a website a powerful important internet page: 메이저놀이터
ReplyDeleteI wanted to thank you for this excellent read!! I definitely loved every little bit of it. I have you bookmarked your site to check out the new stuff you post 먹튀검증
ReplyDeletegreat inspiring article. buy website traffic
ReplyDelete❤ I favor the idea, such a good deal 토토사이트
ReplyDeleteI read this article. I think You put a lot of effort to create this article. I appreciate your work. seo tijuana
ReplyDeleteYou…are…my…hero!!! I cant believe something like this exists on the internet! Its so true, so honest, and more than that you dont sound like an idiot! Finally, someone who knows how to talk about a subject without sounding like a kid who didnt get that bike he wanted for Christmas. 토토사이트
ReplyDelete네, 저는이 기사에 전적으로 동의했으며이 기사가 매우 훌륭하고 유익한 기사라고 말하고 싶습니다. 나는 귀하의 블로그를 더 많이 읽을 것입니다. 당신은 좋은 지적을했지만 나는 어쩔 수없이 궁금해합니다. 다른 쪽은 어떻습니까? !!!!!!감사 토토사이트
ReplyDelete이 멋진 게시물에 감사드립니다. 먹튀검증 [url="https://www.toto-system.com/"]먹튀검증[/url]
ReplyDeleteI definitely need to challenge myself to be quiet more. I have forte a lot better but there is surely room for improvement! I feel like an old lady shaking my cane at a young whippersnapper when I say this, but what I wouldn’t give to have people in my real, every day, non virtual life who make it necessary not to spend all my time plugged in. 먹튀폴리스
ReplyDeleteGlad to see this kind of brilliant and very interesting informative post. 먹튀폴리스
ReplyDelete