a day late



i wish i was stronger. 

truth be told, i barely have the energy to post this. 

my wednesday-blog-post-day breezed by me yesterday. it was thoroughly filled with boxing up and shipping hundreds and hundreds of secret midnight press orders. 

it was absolutely incredible. i truly cannot describe it. 

the support jesse & i have received has blown us away. we're beyond grateful. 

while gratitude is the most overwhelming emotion, there are still so many more washing over me like a hurricane wave. 

i feel both full and empty at the same time. it's wild. 

'smoke signals' is full of words i've been writing over so many years. so many heartbreaks and losses. so many bright days where the sun warmed my skin. 

for most of my life, writing has been the only way i've known to drain the sickness. 

i write to relieve the burden and i do it for me. but what keeps me going is that it means something to you. 

so i keep going for you. 

i wish i was stronger. 

there are so many days when the grey clouds feel like bricks on my chest, like it's hard to inhale and i'm upset at myself that i can't breathe quite right. 

i feel empty and isolated and yet full and warm at the same time and it makes no sense. 

all i can tell you is that you must press on. please. push through the dark days, find the light within you to guide others through the dark. it's an incredible circle of creating and emptying and being filled again that we can only experience with one another. 

so thank you. for being here with me. you have no idea how much i need you. 

xo,
Ashley 

Listening to:



9 comments:

  1. Thank YOU, Ashley. Your writing and your blogs mean the world to me. You have helped me through so much you couldn't even imagine. Stay strong. Yeah, for us, but mostly for yourself. Always look for the light. I know it's hard, but I also know it's something you're good at whether you'd like to believe it or not. We all believe in you and will be here every step of the way!
    xoxo

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  2. it's a pleasure, going through this journey is way more bearable with people like you near.

    congrats on the book, can wait to order mine as soon as i get paid.

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    Replies
    1. Your comment says exactly what I was feeling while reading this post. 💗

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    2. Your comment says exactly what I was feeling while reading this post. 💗

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  3. Thank you so much. Tonight is a dark one for me, but I'm going to curl up with a copy of your book and a good cup of tea and try to soothe the knot in my stomach and the aching in my chest. Take care of yourself. Love you. <3

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  4. Things haven't been as lovely of late. But I'm happy that your writing has an impact on me to keep going. You are magic.

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  5. I just finished your book. IT WAS AMAZING! I am so proud of you for following your dreams and sharing your poems. You are such a beautiful human being, and I'm so glad that I found your blog.

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  6. Things aren't always easy...life isn't easy but some people struggle more than others and just today I had a conversation about suicide with a good friend of mine (not the happiest topic I know) anyway she told me that taking her own life would never be an option for her because she believes that that's just the easy way out and she's not a coward...and that just hit me because tbh I have considered it more than once and I don't know it just really hurt me to realize that I was right and I couldn't talk to her about these things because she'd never understand or even try to but then I listen to music or go to your website and read your blog entries and it honestly helps..of course it's not like everything's great again but it really very much helps to know that there are people out there who have similar struggles. So thank you for opening up and writing about your thoughts and feelings! I want you to know that a lot of people are thankful for your efforts!
    Also I can't wait to finally order your book once I have enough money (you know how it is being a college student and being poor almost all the time haha)

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  7. Love your blog and all the things you write in here for us to share your soul.

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