it's weird



it's weird how sometimes you can feel yourself spiraling down a dark hole and you don't know if there's anything you can do to stop it. 

you're alice falling down the rabbit hole and the objects floating around you are just out of reach. 

it gets so dark sometimes and even writing doesn't seem to fully bleed out the infection. i journal often in an attempt to release the pressure on my chest, and it always helps - even if only a little bit. 

a past journal entry:

"i picked at a scab and now the wound is prone to infection. vulnerable against these harsh winds and i bare my naked skin despite my better judgement because all i want is to feel. feel the cold scream at my flesh like road rash, the icy burn lingers for days and i’m determined to dwell in it. i let the cold linger, it laps its frosted tongue at my soul like a dehydrated doberman, its intention to devour, to grow stronger at the draining of my spirit. i must pour out to make room to be refilled."


maybe these words make sense to you. or maybe they sound as crazy as i feel sometimes. like a rabid rambler, wild and weary but i keep spewing words like sewage out of my system.

it's weird how sometimes you feel like you're watching yourself like you do in dreams. you're watching yourself drown, the waves washing over you and you're screaming but only silence comes out. 

it's weird. 

each day that i walk through, sometimes struggling even to stand, i realize more and more that there's no such thing as 'normal.' if there is any normalcy you can count on, it's suffering. this is a tough pill to swallow, but once you do, you can start fighting against it. you can accept that everyone you meet is carrying a burden that you can't see. 

this realization is one that can truly change the world. knowing you're not alone, knowing that what binds us together is the beautiful burden of being alive. realize that you deserve peace, that you deserve to heal and grow and bless and the world will be a bit brighter. and when your world is a bit brighter, you can play a part in making someone else's world brighter. and this is the domino effect that i believe can change the world. 

i know it's weird. maybe for most of your life you've been told to hide your feelings, to be ashamed of sadness, to wear a mask and bury your fears. but i believe that it's okay to let yourself grieve once in awhile. to know that it's part of life, that you're not alone in these feelings. 

love yourself first. be patient, be gentle. we're in this together. 


"Be soft. Do not let the world make you hard. Do not let pain make you hate. Do not let the bitterness steal your sweetness. Take pride that even though the rest of the world may disagree, you still believe it to be a beautiful place."
- Unknown


xo,
Ashley


Listening to:

18 comments:

  1. Ashley, thank you for being so awesome and an inspiration to young women and men. <3

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  2. I finally took the time to read one of your posts, and this is beautifully written. Thank you for being brave enough to share your personal thoughts with us. Thank you Ashley

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  3. uhm I'm pretty much speechless, I just don't know what to say about what I just read, it's just too pure, too real, I love it, I couldn't say what was my favorite part, I just loved every word of it, I love what you radiate, Ashley, thanks.

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  4. i swear i wish i had this in my teenage years. This kind of words. Someone who told me this. And I've made myself hard, not a part of me was soft at all (i still cannot say "i love you" to anybody), otherwise i guess i couldn't make it. I totally appreciate what you are doing. Someone's always reeding. Don't stop. Love (i say it to you)

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  5. thank you for sharing your thoughts with me and others who need to hear them to help understand our own thoughts, i know that can be hard to do. you are such an inspiration and i surround myself in your words in an attempt to make myself better in some way. they always work. thank you so much for everything. PS> i am ordering my Secret Midnight Press Box and can't wait. i love what its all about and i feel like it was made just for me. thank you

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  6. Ashley,

    This is so amazing and I am very glad to have gotten to read this and understand more and more. Thank you so much, for me this is pure inspiration. Thank you so much.

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  7. Ashley, you continue to inspire and instill in me that I can make it through this life. thank you so much for helping me feel not alone. i relate to every word. thank you for constantly pouring out your soul.

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  8. So inspiring, every night I'm going to read your poems while listening to one of my favorite song. (Northern Lights - Felicity). Drinking tea and letting life drift around me. Letting relaxation flow, and keeping the bad vibes low.

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  9. Thank you for being so honest and putting yourself, and your art out there to help people like me. I know its not easy to pour your heart out, especially to strangers on the internet. I just want you to know you are very brave, and inspiring to me. ~Michael Taubert

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  10. Thank you for being so honest and putting yourself, and your art out there to help people like me. I know its not easy to pour your heart out, especially to strangers on the internet. I just want you to know you are very brave, and inspiring to me. ~Michael Taubert

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  11. Thank you for being so honest and putting yourself, and your art out there to help people like me. I know its not easy to pour your heart out, especially to strangers on the internet. I just want you to know you are very brave and inspiring to me. ~Michael Taubert

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  12. In the past few weeks, I have been very interested in what you write. The second I checked out your blog I couldn't get my eyes off of it. You've really become an inspiration to me. You've reminded me that it is okay to be a little crazy, so I'd like to thank you. You are a very talented writer; please don't ever stop creating.

    Also, I pre-ordered your book! I cannot wait to read it.

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  13. thank you for this post, it came at just the right time. ♡
    also wanted to let you know that the quote you used is my FAVORITE quote of all time and can be attributed to Iain S. Thomas. stay lovely as you are, ashley.

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  14. I've been following your blog for a while and it never ceases to bring me back for a bit. You are lovely.

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  15. Reading this feels like having a conversation with sister that I never had. I needed that.

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  16. Reading this a few days late and it's exactly what I needed tonight. I love you so much more than I thought I could love someone I have never met. I just love you so much and I hope someday I can tell you that in person. <3333333333

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  17. Love you Ashley! I'm so happy I found your blog!

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  18. Ashley,
    I understand and i'm glad you're so open with how you're feeling. It really helps those of us going through the same thing.

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