inspiration: hide & seek / part 1



i have to be honest with you guys.

this week has been a bit of a dark one for me. 

sometimes i wonder if i'm slowly melting into madness, wax from a burning candle dissolving into the air. 

yesterday i really thought i was going to snap from the weight of gravity. 

the night before, i dreamt that i was leaving. everyone was leaving. we were in a crowded train station walking when suddenly we were lifted off the ground. the lights slowly dimmed and i woke up in a new place as if after anesthesia. 

i didn't recognize anyone and i had nothing with me. i started walking and was lifted again, and again i landed someplace new. 

this kept happening and i knew it was happening to everyone simultaneously. i knew we were all starting over. like the sky reached down and plucked us out of our bad relationships and miserable jobs and said "here, let's try again."

it was freedom.

i woke up with a pit in my stomach, realizing that my reality roots me into the earth and maybe i don't like where i'm planted. and it feels like i have no say in this and that's when the fear blows cold on my neck and i'm chilled inside and out. and then it's a fever sweat and the thoughts are moving so quickly that i can't hold onto them and i swear i'm drowning.

i want to dig into the earth so deep that i can hide there; one with where i came from. 

but i don't.

i keep walking.

and unlike my dream, i don't lift off the ground, i'm not transplanted, but i'm moving. 

it's easy to feel like you're not in control. but then you lift your left leg, and then your right, and you realize that your feet aren't actually shackled to the ground. 

and this is only the beginning.

you take these realizations and you water them like a spring rose, breathing life into it, watching it slowly bloom in front of you and it becomes something that your hands built. 

sometimes it hurts to create, like you're giving a piece of yourself to the seed that you planted, and all you want is to smell the fresh rose. but what you don't see are the roots growing under the soil. 

it's easy to feel like you're not in control. like inspiration, or a desire for growth and change, is hiding around the corner and it's just out of reach. but then you take one step, and then another.

and this is only the beginning.

xo,
Ashley


listening to:

11 comments:

  1. this is amazing. thank you.

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  2. This post hit me hard. This was everything I needed to hear. I can't even put it into words how much this affected me. (which is saying a lot for me) I recently went from having two jobs to none and I'm having a hard time finding a job. I also recently started writing my novel which is turning out to be even more of a painstaking process than I expected. My future is completely uncertain for the first time in my life and I'm honestly terrified. But at the same time another, much smaller, part of me is excited at all the possibility. And that little part of me grows every time I read your blog. I always come away hopeful and inspired, with a fresh fervor to create. I just have to keep going. The answers will come. All the love.

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  3. you're SO good at describing feelings.

    I don't know why but reading someone else is going through what I am going through is kind of comforting, it makes me feel I'm not that crazy and it makes me see everything from another perspective.
    I hope we never stop lifting our feet from the ground.

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  4. this makes me feel so vulnerable.

    sometimes when I take a step back and look at where I am — I feel trapped — and my heart races because I'm underground, in a tunnel, a maze, and the exits are being blown up, and things are shaking and the mountain is collapsing on top of me and i am suffocating and —

    that's how life feels sometimes.

    But that's not how life actually is. In reality I am standing in an unfamiliar city, with cars and people and buildings, and sidewalks. Sometimes I don't know my way around. But as time goes on I figure things out. And I can walk around. No exits are blowing up. I can lift my feet off the ground and go somewhere else.

    may we never forget we have that ability.

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  5. I am speechless because it's like you know what I'm going through. You help me so much and I can't thank you enough. This hit home and it is a reminder that those roots are growing. Ily. I hope you remember what you said in this writing next time you are feeling down because you are an angel. Love, Tiana xo

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  6. I want to commend you on sharing these moments. In today's world it can be easy to share only the perfect side of our lives, the inspirational, perfectly posed shots from day to day life.

    It's so easy to paint a picture of our ideal selves in an attempt to make ourselves believe that it exists, not realizing the distance it puts between ourselves and others.

    Being open about mental health is so important and something I wish more people were comfortable with. We all need to know that we aren't alone, that someone out there can understand us at the root level.

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  7. this is amazing thank you so much

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  8. I really needed this tonight. Thank you.

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  9. I'm crying but in the best way. This was something that I really needed to read. Thank you for your words.

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