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Hi, my loves. It's Wednesday and we're here in this little space again together and this makes my heart happy.

I'd like to start out with a quick public service announcement:

I will still be posting each Wednesday as well as one bonus post each week. Make sure you subscribe here so you don't miss a beat.

Moving right along...

If it's okay, I would love to let you in on the past few weeks of wandering around Europe.

It's been absolutely incredible. It's been such a whirlwind that I've hardly had time to step back and process it.

Andrew and I left our little home in Columbus, Ohio three weeks ago today to head to NYC. we spent a few days there with family and watched my brother perform twice in front of a sold-out Madison Square Garden. Pretty surreal stuff.

From New York we headed to Paris. It was my second time in Paris and it was just as magical as I remembered. I can't explain it, but being there just makes me feel all glowy inside. I love it so much. Our flights are round-trip from Paris, so we'll be back there at the end of our trip. I can't wait.

Next we flew to Florence, Italy. So much beauty in one little city, it's unreal. It was hot, and our Airbnb didn't have air conditioning, but that didn't diminish the wonder we felt wandering through this old, historical city. Such delicious food, nice people, and stunning sights.

After Italy was Amsterdam. Actually, we stayed outside of Amsterdam in a cottage in a town called Leiden. This sleepy little town was such a welcome after two bustling cities. We'd head into Amsterdam for the day and come back to a peaceful, quiet sunset over the canals.

We packed up all of our things again and flew from Amsterdam into London Heathrow. A bus then delivered us to the Reading Festival where we met up with friends and watched my brother perform. We were able to travel with them to Leeds Festival and watch a crowd catch fire once again as Twenty One Pilots performed their hearts out. Always an amazing experience.

We've made our way to London and are camped out here this week. I love this city, and it's had by far the best vegan food I've had on this trip. This city inspires me. I feel so ready to create, so ready to grow and build and be better.

Next, we're off to Dublin, Ireland. Getting in touch with my roots & what looks like some gloriously grey weather. It'll suit my weary soul.

So, here's the deal. I've always wanted to do a trip like this - exploring new cities and learning more and more about myself along the way. I've dealt with flight anxiety for awhile and being away from home hasn't always been easy. I actually worried quite a bit about this trip for months. I even thought about cancelling it. I was sure that the stress would build up over the days and weeks and panic attacks would crush my spirit. But you know what? Three weeks in and I've felt better than I have in months. I feel like myself.

Having both anxiety and depression at the same time is incredibly difficult. Depression kills any motivation to do anything while anxiety is pounding away telling me all of the things I should be doing, all of the things I'm missing out on. It's a vicious cycle. For me, this cycle is often brought on by too much down-time.

Traveling breaks this cycle for me. It keeps my mind preoccupied and my perspective fresh. It reminds me how huge the world is. How many people are out there feeling all of these feelings with me.

It hasn't all been stunning sunsets and sparkling city lights. There have been nights where I can't sleep, days running between airports and train stations, getting lost and just wanting to lay down on the ground and cry. But overall these challenges have shown me the most important thing: I can do this. 

Standing up against anxiety and depression and proving wrong the lies they tell you is the most empowering thing. So if there's something you want desperately and something inside of you is telling you you're not good enough, I'm here to tell you it's not true. Chase after what makes you feel alive. Fight for your joy, for your freedom.

You can do this.



Listening to:

Bishop Briggs - Wild Horses

Some A’s for your Q’s

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Last week I made a post on instagram asking people to send me questions for this week’s blog post. I wanted to know what kind of things you guys are curious about. 

I got an amazing response. You all asked so many wonderful questions, and I selected a handful at random. I adapted some of them slightly & included a name if it was signed. 

This is a long one. Are you ready? Here we go.


Personal life

Karen Rayappa from New York asked:

Did you go to college? And if so, what did you major in? I always love hearing people's answers cause then I can tell what they're really passionate about. 

I did! I have a Bachelor's Degree in English Literature from Ohio Dominican University. I actually switched schools and majors a few times before landing on this one. I felt a ton of pressure trying to figure out who I wanted to "be when I grow up." And I still don't know. I just know that I am passionate about writing and communicating and this major was the best fit for that :)

I have a really simple question. What's your birthday?

I like simple :) it's May 1st!

Jennifer asked:

I was just wondering, since you are a vegan are you also cruelty free with your makeup? If so, do you have any specific brands you enjoy the most?

I really try to stay cruelty free with my beauty products! Almost 100% of my makeup is E.L.F. which is cruelty-free (and crazy affordable). Here’s a great list of cruelty-free brands: http://www.crueltyfreekitty.com/list-of-cruelty-free-brands/

Karina asked:

Charlie or India?

Holy moly that’s a tough one. I realized I haven’t talked about my two sweet cats on the blog yet, but I love them both SO much. They’re both so different it’s impossible to choose. India is shy around strangers but so sweet and cuddly with me. Charlie is outgoing and playful and loves to snuggle. They can both be sassy at times so it just kinda depends on the day which one likes me more :) 

I am in high school and I only really learned about feminism about a year ago, and I am so glad I did. It has really helped me to love, respect, and accept myself and others. I have learned so much since I started going to the feminist club at my school, and next year, I'm super excited to be running it with my best friend.  I was wondering what role feminism played in your life, what experiences you've had relating to it, and/or what it means to you.     

Hi! This is a great question. I’m so glad to hear that you’re learning about feminism and self-acceptance. This is something I didn’t start learning about until later in my college years. I took a class about gender in literature and it changed so much about how I see the world. I realized that I didn’t have to fit myself into a box that society tells me I need to fit perfectly into (it’s a size 4 to be exact) ;). Jokes, but honestly, recognizing the generally unrealistic expectations society has set for women has made me passionate to change this. To fight for equality for all humans for the betterment of society. 

Lillyanne asked:

Do often get annoyed when people ask you about Josh/only want to talk about Josh?

To be 100% truthful, it’s not always easy. It often feels that I’m in his shadow and it’s made it kind of tough to find my own identity. BUT, my brother is one of my favorite people on this planet and always has been. If I ever do feel sad/annoyed, I quickly remember that it’s just because people love him so much and he deserves every bit of that love. 

Nicole asked:

1. How's your vacation across Europe going? What is it about traveling that you love?
2. Who are your inspirations / role models, if you have any?
3. Where do you see yourself in five years?
4. I love your style - where do you like to shop?
5. Favorite childhood memories?

1. Europe has been absolutely incredible. We're seeing new cities and revisiting some that we've loved and it's just been such an adventure. I love traveling because it gets me out of my head. I get restless so easily being in one place for too long and I feel confined very easily. Being out in the world and seeing new things helps me to feel free and alive and not over-think.
2. At the sake of sounding cheesy, the real answer is my family. They have all been so supportive and encouraging to me and they make me want to work harder and be better. Each one of my siblings and my parents are so talented and giving and loving and it inspires me.
3. I could probably write an entire blog post about this one but I'll try to keep it brief. I've never been good at thinking about the future. I honestly don't know where my life will take me even in 5 months. 
4. Thank you! I honestly shop almost exclusively at thrift shops. There are some great ones where I live and it's so much fun. I love being creative with vintage pieces and making them my own. I recently bought an outer-space pillowcase for thirty cents and cut holes in it and wore it as a dress to my brother's concert. So fun.
5. My family would have a family movie/pizza nights every Friday and a big breakfast every Sunday morning. Every summer we would go to an amusement park together and it was so much fun.

Health (mental/emotional)

How do you balance a relationship or dating with anxiety and depression?

This is a really good, and really tough question. I think that it's different for every person, but I think the most important thing is the person you choose to be with (& really all people you surround yourself with). Having anxiety & depression can make you incredibly vulnerable, and it's so important to be with someone who can handle that and be there for you on the dark days. Guard your heart. Be picky. Wait for someone who treats you like a rare jewel and handles your heart with care. 

Cassidy asked: 

I admire you so much for being able to talk about your depression and anxiety with so many people, on such a public platform. I was wondering if you struggled to talk about these things in high school when you were first diagnosed?

Honestly, yes. I went to a very, very small school and everyone knew everything about everyone. There were no secrets. But the year that I was diagnosed I kept to myself a lot. I had a couple of close friends, but kept everyone else at a distance. I assumed that everyone knew what I was going through and I wasn't ready to talk about it. I think what's really helped over the years is realizing how many people are/were dealing with the exact same things. Some people hide it really well, but for the most part I believe that everyone has pain and sadness in some form. I tried to work on seeing each person as a soul with a story, and I figured that sharing mine would help them feel safe to share theirs as well. If they respond negatively, it often just means that it makes them uncomfortable to think about their own problems & they aren't ready to deal with them. Eventually they will have to, and you will only be stronger and better for being an open and honest person.

Zuzanna asked:

1) Kinda silly but are you into zodiac signs and do you think they actually mean something?
2) How do you ask for help when you're scared of losing your mind, of losing that constantly dark part of you that you know so well it's basically your best friend and biggest enemy at the same time?
3) Have you ever felt like you have no faith in people only because of them hurting you frequently, even the closest ones failing you in every way?
4) How did you deal with having depression and anxiety while being in high school? my hs experience sucked, i had so many days and weeks when i could barely get out of bed, let alone spend a whole day surrounded by unsupportive, close-minded people who only ever asked "why are you so grumpy all the time? geez."
5) Have you ever had any experience with self harming? whether it was
you or someone you know? 
to go onto some lighter topic and just because it's my field:
6) Do you play any instruments?

To be perfectly honest, I was a bit hesitant to answer some of these questions. They are very deep and it scared me to open up this much. But then I realized that I think so many people can relate to a lot of these issues, and I'd love to talk about them a bit. So here goes:
1. I wouldn't say i'm 'into' zodiac signs per-se, but I do read them occasionally and love when I can connect with it. I love finding meaning in all things in an attempt to learn more about myself.
2. Thank you for this question. I think it puts this aspect of depression into words really well. I think the best thing you can do is connect with people that understand. It is easy to think of the darkness as a friend, but trust me, it's not. Once it leaves (and it will) you'll realize that the lightness of life is much more welcomed and loving company.
3. Yes, I have felt this way. But then I see good people, even from a distance, and feel an ounce of hope. The best thing to do is be one of those people & you will attract people with the same goodness in them.
4. High school was hard, I'll be honest. There will always be close-minded people, but that is typically a symptom of brokenness. As I grew stronger spiritually, I realized I wasn't alone and was given the strength to let the words of ignorant people roll off of me, and eventually found friends that saw the good in me and brought that out. High school got much better. (Psalm 94:18-19)
5. Yes, I have. It was a brief period in high school when I was at my lowest. Self-harm is an aspect of mental health that is very hard for people to understand. If anyone would like, maybe we can talk about this in a blog post in the future.
6. Sadly, I do not. I attempted piano and guitar and just didn't have the patience to see it through. Maybe someday I'll pick them up again :) 

Keshi asked:

1. What do you like to do to calm yourself down? I've been getting frequent anxiety attacks and the only way I can calm myself is talk to my friends because they know how it feels. I can't even talk to my parents cause they are always worried (and I don't want them to be worried).
2. How do I stop comparing myself to other artists? I see these amazing clique artists creating amazing pieces of work and I'm here balling my eyes out wondering if I will ever be that good. 

1. First of all, I am so sorry to hear that you're dealing with such a difficult thing. I can definitely relate, and it is so wonderful having friends that understand. If you don't already, I would recommend keeping a journal. That is always the greatest relief to me - getting things out of my head and onto the page. I also recommend practicing deep breathing, listening to calming music, and even coloring.  As I have mentioned in previous posts, I always recommend talking to a doctor. Counseling has always been a huge help for me as well. 
2. Theodore Roosevelt said, "Comparison is the thief of joy." I believe this whole-heartedly. Unfortunately, comparison is such a deeply rooted human issue, it's very hard not to do. But I think you can rewire your thoughts to turn feelings of inadequacy into inspiration. Look at others' works of art and know that with time, energy, and boldness, your art will be that good. Keep encouraging artists because I guarantee that even the best ones feel the same way.

Arianna M. asked:

How can I make new beginnings/transitions go as easy as possible? I'm starting at a new high school soon, and I don't know a lot of people who go there only a couple. I'm getting very anxious and nervous that I won't make any friends. Any tips to "starting fresh"?

I remember this feeling well. I went to three different universities and every semester I would be so nervous going into a new class. My advice is this: it's never as bad as you think it's going to be. Every single person is nervous, despite how well they hide it. Write a list of 10 things you love about yourself. Keep it with you. The right people will see these things and bring out even more in you. You'll do so well, I know it.

Mariana asked:

How do you see yourself ten years in the future? Does the future and the uncertain scares you? And have you ever thought about make a poetry book or something?

I briefly mentioned this in a previous question, but to go ahead and jump to your second question, yes. The future terrifies me, to be honest. My dad recently asked me about setting up a retirement plan, and my immediate thought was, "There's no way I'll live to be 65!" Which is silly, of course, because who knows. But I rarely think even a year in advance, which isn't always a good thing. But because of that, I am very good at living in the moment. Maybe someday I will be able to envision a future for myself. 
And yes, in fact, I am working on a poetry book for you all right now.


Yasmeen (@thepantaloon) asked:

1. How do you improve when it comes to writing? I follow your blog, and you are certainly one of the best writers out there (i get super bored reading books, etc. but your blog always seems to grab me.) I have always loved to write but don't know how to get better.
2. How do you deal with writers block?

1. Thank you so so much for your kind words. My answer is rather cliche (maybe because it works): practice. Just like any skill, it takes work to learn. If I go awhile without writing, I realize that it's difficult for me to put my thoughts into words. The more I write, the more easily I can communicate the emotions I'm feeling. It takes a sense of introspection and being in tune with yourself. Meditating is a great exercise for this as well. Journaling is a good place to start & do it as often as possible. Reading is a wonderful way to improve vocabulary and tone as well.
2. Writers' block is a cruel mistress. It's difficult to discern whether it's something to fight, or to recognize it as your body's way of telling you to take a break. Writing can be emotionally draining (and filling at the same time), but there can be a time where you need to step back for a moment. But never for long. I would say when you can't write, read. It'll keep words fresh and stir up the creative side of you. Just never, ever give up. The world needs your words.

Paige Kees asked:

1. What inspires you to write?
2. This might be the same question, but what motivates you? I find myself lacking motivation a lot. 
3. Where would you say your dream place to live would be? 
4. Do you have traditions to get into writing? like, a certain writing utensil, having a cup of tea, etc.
5. Do you keep a journal? 
6. What are your favorite things to write about?
7. Do you have any favorite books? movies? albums?
8. (Extra question, do you plan to visit Oregon sometime?)

You had said to just pick a few, but these are all great questions that I’ve gotten frequently so I’ll go ahead and tackle them all!
1. Over the past couple of years I have gotten into a routine of writing almost each day. I started it as a challenge to myself and went over 6 months writing a poem a day. It was so incredibly helpful to train my mind to be inspired by my daily life. I look up at a full moon and a poem pours out. So I would say practice, like singers trains their vocal chords, you can train your thoughts to flow easily and beautifully.
2. The first thing that comes to mind as far as motivation is community. I started sharing my poetry on tumblr, showing friends and family, and it has made me want to create more things to share with people. It’s an incredible way to connect with other humans and realize that you aren’t alone. I also just have this general need to write, and I can feel myself filling to burst if I don’t.
3. I’m not sure that I have a dream place exactly, but I’ve lived in a place with bad winters my whole life & I’d love to live somewhere that has nice weather all year round. I’m a pretty big fan of California.
4. I’m pretty unorthodox when it comes to writing, I think. My preferred mediums are my iPhone and my laptop. Ideas will come to me at such random times that I just make a note in my phone. And my thoughts come so quickly, I’m much faster at typing than hand-writing so it helps. Listening to music that inspires me always helps get my mind into a creative place. The music changes frequently but in my early days I would always write while listening to Sigur Ros or Damien Rice.
5. Kind of like the last answer, I somewhat keep a journal, but not really a traditional one. In high school I always had a notebook I carried around and would journal when I was supposed to be taking notes in class. Now I do it on my phone in a private account. 
6. Favorite things to write about? Honestly, sad stuff. I’ve always been more attracted to tragedies and because I write as a form of catharsis, it’s usually the things that break my heart that overflow. It’s a relief to get them out of my mind and onto the paper.
7. This is a really tough one because I have so many so I’ll just list the things that first come into my mind. Book: Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close by Jonathan Safran Foer. Movie: Atonement. Album: Takk by Sigur Ros. 
8. I absolutely plan to visit Oregon! I’ve been desperate to make it to the PNW but sadly haven’t...yet.

Amy T. (truetimbre.com) asked:

How do you find the motivation to write on days where you feel empty? And with your anxiety how do you feel when you post them or first started posting them?

To be honest, I don't always find the motivation. Some days I need a break from thinking and I just hang out with friends and watch Netflix and relax. But it can be really good to push through the emptiness and write anyway. Those have ended up being some of the pieces I've loved the most. Structure is really helpful with that - things like taking a class, challenging yourself to write x amount per day/week and being very firm with it, or finding a friend to share your writing with regularly. I definitely always feel anxious when I first post my writing. That's completely normal. I started posting my writing when I was 15, and slowly started receiving encouragement. I would say whenever you share your writing, find someone else's writing and give them some encouragement (a 'like' or a 'reblog' or a kind comment). Chances are, people will start doing the same for you and a community can be built. Any form of creativity is a vulnerability, and we all need each other to build us up to stay motivated and passionate.


If I wasn’t able to get to your question, please know that I saw it, I loved it, and I will either respond directly to your email as soon as I get the chance, or make another one of these Q&A posts in the future. 

You guys never cease to amaze me. 
You inspire me more than you know. 



Some of you may know I have a tumblr account, & over the past couple of years I have answered some questions over there as well. Take a look here if you’d like!

Listening to:

Bon Iver - 22 (OVER S∞∞N)

& also


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sometimes it feels like the world is ending. like the darkness could not get any darker and what else is left but a complete collapse? people blame this on our broken society, on the ever-growing world of mobility and connection and everyone wants something to blame for change. people want to point fingers at the youth culture and social media and data plans and digital distractions. 

what I love about social media, the internet, the world we live in today, is that without moving, we can reach out and touch people. it could be a gentle caress on a cheek or a sharp kick in the teeth. 

what I long to be is a cool breeze. a healing field of lavender or smooth silk sheets.

you see, I try to absorb loveliness like a sponge. I travel so that I can see the beauty on a larger scale. to realize that I am an ant in front of the Eiffel Tower or an acorn in the Grand Canyon. to remember that I have a part to play and that the world spins on at an incomprehensible speed despite my awareness of it.

I see life through slanted window shades. the light slips in through the slats and the dust sparkles like the sea under sunlight. I rarely fully open the shades in fear of hurting my eyes but I peek out occasionally, searching for solidarity. 

it is so easy to feel isolated. like your sadness is an assignment given only to you at birth and not a single soul will understand it.

it is so easy to feel replaceable. like a summer leaf that will always die but won't always be reborn. 

all I'm trying to say, my love, is that our souls are small but strong. even if it doesn't feel this way, it will carry you like a feather in a bird's wing over clouds. and once we realize this, we can be unstoppable. 

we can use this world we were born in with connectivity in our veins to strengthen the body parts that connect to the heartbeat of humanity. we can reach out and we can kiss a stranger without touching them. 

social media is a blessing and a curse and as long as we understand that every soul behind the screen has its scars, we can move forward with boldness. we can bless and rebuild the broken and we can show the world that we aren't an empty generation. 

maybe, possibly, we feel things even more. it's just easier to hide behind our highlight reel posted for people we may never meet. 

all I'm trying to say, my love, is that I'm glad you're here. these pixels link us together in an iron chain that can block out the darkness as long as we hold on.

let your touch be light and your life be bright and let's keep holding hands. let's keep talking and breathing and being.

this world has
so much for us 
and all I 
know is
that I 
need you.


Listening to:

let's talk about the feelings / creativity as coping

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I want to start by thanking all of you lovelies for taking the time to stop by.

If it hasn't been obvious enough, I've been super nervous about putting myself out there & for years my insecurities have had the final say. But I'm working on that. I'm working on a lot of things, actually.

So let's start from the beginning.

When I was in high school I was diagnosed with major depression and an anxiety disorder. It's always tricky at that age - the stresses of school and mean girls and maybe breakups, bad grades, and the list goes on and on. Most of those years I boiled it down to that, and sometimes that's really all it is. And that's okay too.

But for me, the dark cloud was relentless. The ache was unbearable like a stab wound that wouldn't heal and I was convinced that I had stabbed myself.  But when I found out it wasn't just lack of sleep and a poor diet (those ended up being symptoms, not the sickness), it was a relief to know that I could find help. And I was determined to not let this diagnosis defeat or define me.

This is just the tip of the iceberg, friends. Just the beginning of what's been a wild ride, running through a dark forest, desperate to see the beauty. Seasons have come and gone; I've had bright lights and dark holes, each season digging deeper into me.

Everyone has dark days. Sometimes you wake up and your heart hurts and you have no idea why. Sometimes this happens most days, and when it’s really bad, the best thing to do is tell a doctor. It’s so important to talk to a professional when you feel like the world is too heavy for you to carry.

So maybe you don’t believe you’re a creative person. My personal belief is that everyone is, but that's a conversation for another time. Maybe you know that you are an artist. Maybe you’re not a writer or a painter, but you see colors and hear sounds differently than others, and those colors and sounds can be quite overwhelming. This is what I believe to be the burden of creativity. (I plan to make a post on this in the future). 

I remember the moment I identified what this was, and how I could relieve the burden. I noticed that when my anxiety gets really bad, my thoughts just swirl around me and make me feel like I’m suffocating. So I realized that if I could just harness these thoughts and turn them from smoke into sand, making them tangible, I could mold them like clay in my hands. 

So I started journaling. Every day. Even if it was just a few scribbled sentences or sometimes ten pages long. It didn’t have to be fully coherent, just taking those words out of my head and making them prisoners on the page. ‘Taking them captive’ as Paul would say in 2 Corinthians. 

Journaling eventually turned into poetry which became my most powerful weapon against the dark thoughts. I could put them on a page and realize how small they are. Those little letters forming little words that had been taunting me relentlessly. I could crumple these words in my hand and breathe a sigh of relief. The world felt lighter.

We  all carry burdens. No matter how ‘perfect’ someone’s life may seem, there is always something weighing heavy on their hearts. It’s just a part of the humanness. And it’s an incredible feeling to take these burdens and turn them into something beautiful. Something you can hold in your hand. Something you can share with others when their burdens are too heavy to carry. And the more we all relieve our own darkness, the more we can shine a light for others. And what better purpose is there than that?

Be strong, dear friends. Please don’t be ashamed or afraid to share the things that hurt. Share them with a loved one, share them with a piece of paper, take the darkness in your hands and weave it into a creature of light. We're all in this together.


Listening to:


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I wanted to let you guys in on some things I have coming up. And throw in a few photos of me drinking an iced vanilla almond milk latte. Pretty exciting stuff, huh?

So the next couple of months for me are going to be a whirlwind.

As you may have gathered, I am not a seasoned blogger. This will be new to me, documenting and notating my experiences. But I’m going to try my hardest so that I can share these experiences with you. 

I’ll be heading to NYC next week with my family to see a special concert at Madison Square Garden. I have a good feeling it’ll be one for the books.

From New York, Andrew and I head out to Europe for about a month. A MONTH. I'm freaking out just a little bit. I've never been gone for this long. I'm going to miss my little home and my little cats and my little life here, but I am so ready for the adventure. I will be curious to see how the distance affects my anxiety. This is definitely something I'll chat about with you when the time comes.

We’ll be visiting Paris, Florence, Amsterdam, Reading/Leeds Festival, London, & Dublin. Have you been to any of these places? We’ve briefly seen Paris & London but would love any insight on what we must see/experience! We'll be flying between each city, and flight time = writing time. So hopefully I'll have some juicy posts for you coming up. 

Mid-September we’ll come home for a couple of weeks. At the end of September Andrew is heading to Seoul, South Korea. If all goes well I'll be joining him, and possibly seeing even more of Asia. I’ve heard such wonderful things about Seoul and am hoping plans will fall into place!

Through all of this craziness I still plan to post every Wednesday. And who knows, maybe more! What I want to do is hopefully give you some insight into the highs and lows of traveling. Things will go wrong, stress will take over, but I’m hoping to find some incredible inspiration in the newness of it all.

In the coming weeks I plan to talk a bit about creativity as coping and why it's so important to use your gifts and talents. 

Oh and hey! I got a new tattoo last week. The artist is Haley Slackerman (IG @fauxpavvs) at ihearttattoo in Columbus. I'm crazy in love with it.


Today is my four year anniversary with Andrew! He makes my heart so happy. Isn't he a total fox?

I found this article recently about how to treat a spouse dealing with anxiety & honestly, I feel like Andrew could have written it. He is so patient and gentle and caring and I truly don't know how I got so lucky. 



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